Who is this?

I am sitting here writing on a computer that cost me so much I could pay my rent with it twice over. But it seemed like such a good idea at the time. I had my tax money and I didn’t need to use all of it to pay off bills, so I splurged. I got a computer and my husband got a flat screen tv.

For years I didn’t have a computer or a tv, but look at me now, surrounded by technology: fancy computers & 8 color printers, specialized art scanners and an lcd monitor, digital camera and dvd player, Playstation, Sega and Nintentendo 64. . . how did this happen?

When did my life get away from me? My son is fascinated with guns and my husband doesn’t seem to understand that he’s the reason why. He thinks watching Transformers and Star Wars, he thinks playing video games that are toddlerized versions of shoot-em-up cowboys doesn’t have an effect on him: but it does.

I remember thinking that the one thing I really liked about being a single parent was that I didn’t have to get someone else to agree with me on how to raise my kid. I’m missing that now. Sure, there are lots of drawbacks to being a single parent but the advantages are often downplayed in sentimental fury about the nuclear family.

There’s none of this mommy said no I’ll go ask daddy. There’s none of this mommy said no and daddy said yes so now the adults are arguing once again about what’s important in child-rearing and what are we trying to teach them here anyway.

And it’s not as simple as mating with someone who shares the same ideals as you. That’s all abstract. It’s the everyday concreteness of living that really plays a part in shaping your children’s psyches. I thought I had married someone who shared my ideals, but it turns out he’s just a yes-man who agrees with everything but doesn’t believe half of what he says.

For the most part, this is just frustrating, but when it comes to the kids it is a serious problem. I take being a parent very seriously. I feel very honored to have been allowed two such fabulous individuals to raise and I feel like it’s my job, from the moment they are born to help them learn about themselves and about the world they live in.

I believe we are meant to help our children become strong, healthy, independent people. And I believe that it takes the whole eighteen years (and more) to do this. Although my husband agreed with my philosophy, I’ve found he’s a little more stuck on the obedience factor than he would like to admit.

I’m not into having my kids be terrors but I do believe in letting them be human. And like every other human they have good and bad days, foul moods, hyper moments, cross words, screw-ups, attitudes, tempers, and feelings. But he’s very stuck on his parent’s version of children as little adults, who should be expected to act properly at all times, never talk back, and always obey.

I look around sometimes and think, where did this guy come from? I didn’t actually marry this man, did I? And the truth is, I did and I didn’t. The truth is he didn’t know who he was when we got married and now he’s trying to figure that out. Now he’s trying to deal with his past and his present and figure out his future because most of what he’s done up until now has been an echo of someone else.

And I am waiting to see who this is. This person he’s finding, this one he’s developing or discovering or uncovering. And I am wondering if this person will be a person I can love.