Virtual Tour

Here's a pic of my my Art Show at Blue Dahlia Coffee in Canandaigua.



The paintings are new (well, one of them is a do-over which was augmented from a previous painting) and the other is new.



The red & black & white one is called Ready to Take Flight and was the one augmented from an abstract portrait I did of my (soon-to-be-ex) husband; which basically looked like a big red & black vortex ... All the hopeful, added, bird-like looking part is new ...

This is what it originally looked like:



The other one, the woman in the lotus-like-looking flame with the VanGoghish-looking sky, is called From Assent to Ascension.

The other new pieces are Submission, Goddess of Strength, & Armor ... well Submission is new, Goddess of Strength is an older drawing I stumbled upon in one of my sketchbooks I just found, and Armor is a piece I drew during World Poetry Days at Saint John Fisher and recently altered.

Submission



Goddess of Strength



Armor




The photos included in the show are 4 altered photographs from the Native American Dance & Music Festival, featured in my first art show and Haz Mat Literary Review, and 4 unaltered photos: 2 of which were included in the Pathways & Doors Exhibit I was part of for the Rochester Ink Festival.

The altered photos from the Dance & Music Festival are titled: Wind Song, Shadow Dancing, Stolen Lands, and Edges of Invisisibility.

The unaltered photos from Pathways and Doors are titled Concrete Meditations (which appeared in Pathways and Doors as Ayden) and Post & Barn.

The two other unaltered photos are photos I took of rocks (which I do quite often since rocks are one of my odd obsessions).

One - Zen Rock - is a large rock with long grass plastered across it which reminded me of a yin-yang. The other are two rocks embedded in a drive in Naples, which reminded me of a mother & child, and is therefore titled Mother & Child.

(The concept of Mother & Child is another one of those obsessions I have which repeats itself in my work quite frequently.)

The final piece is an oil pastel drawing of a mother & child I drew for my sister-in-law for mother's day while she was pregnant. It reads: Hold Close with Open Arms.

So, for those of you who could not make it ... here is your virtual tour ... All that's missing is the bio & the cup of coffee ... The bio I can add, the cup of coffee ... well ... meet me at Blue Dahlia some week and I'll tell you which is my favorite!

That Rusty Orange Kinda Lovin'

Profiles

Sista' Serendipity

Pregnant Pause

Sharpie Warrior Woman

Cubist Ani

Armor

Submit

Tricksta'

Giving in

Fitting In

Variations on the Self

In response to the question: What do you believe?

I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe in synchronicity and serendipity as major forces in all our lives. I believe I have a purpose: multiple purposes and that the universe requires my existence exactly as I am. That even the aspects of myself I don’t like are there for a reason. That whoever and however I am at this moment is precisely who and how I am supposed to be at this moment. And while I maintain a belief in free will, I also recognize how my free will is constantly influenced by whatever the universe throws my way: by coincidences and synchronicity and serendipity, by circumstances and opportunities and obstacles, by people and information and ideas coming into or going out of my life.

There is the constant debate over free will versus determinism, yet I believe in both. I believe the universe (god, your higher power, fate, destiny, call it what you will) presents you with coincidences, with opportunities, with obstacles all as a means to an end: as teachers, as guides, as breathes of fresh air to help to define your perspective, alter your perception, clarify your purpose, delineate your dream and you possess the free will to acknowledge or ignore these messages, to learn from or repeat these events, to define your perspective or remain willfully ignorant, to alter your perception or to re-affirm beliefs that may or may not be blocking you from realizing your purpose, from being your authentic self, from existing in a state of saturated bliss. And the reason that things seem so predestined is because the universe is persistent and will continually showering you with blessings in whatever form they may take: will continue giving you what you need until you realize it’s what you need.

May every moment be your greatest treasure, every opportunity your greatest adventure, and every obstacle your greatest teacher.

Epiphany on Anality

I spent a whole year being on time
and all I ever ended up doing
was waiting.

Downsizing: from Utterly Shameless blog

Utterly Shameless

I have decided to live my life in such a way
that I can honestly feel utterly shameless and unapologetic.

I am so tired of "I'm sorry."
Everyone says it, no one means it.

If they were truly sorry, they wouldn't have done
whatever they did in the first place.

And if they were truly sorry, they wouldn't keep doing
this very same thing over and over.

So, I have decided never to do
anything I would be ashamed to admit to having done,
never to do anything I would feel the need to lie about having done,
never to do anything that keeps me from sleeping peacefully,
and never do anything that causes me to worry (excessively) about what I did.

The trick here, for me, is to distuinguish clearly
between what I personally think is right/wrong, good/bad, etc.
which I would be ashamed of and what society says
I shouldn't do, say, feel, believe, write, etc.

This is the critical distinction.
If I can't do this, none of this will work.

The other thing I must be willing to do is be honest with myself,
not only about my wants, needs, desires, goals, and feelings
but also about my motivations.

I cannot hide from myself the reasons for doing the things I chose to do,
anymore than I can hide from myself their actual manifestation.

I have decided thatI will not be a woman who apologizes for my existence.
I will not be a woman who is ashamed of my own strength.
I will not be a woman who wastes my energy trying to make myself
attractive to others rather than making myself essentail to myself.

I want to be free from shame and guilt again.

I want to never care what my mother-in-law thinks of me again.

I want to go to bed at night and close my eyes with the knowledge
that I have done the best I can in everything I have chosen to do.

I want to be comfortable in my own flesh, in my own mind, in my own being.

I want to be shameless in all that I do and unapologetic for all all that I am.

Who is this?

I am sitting here writing on a computer that cost me so much I could pay my rent with it twice over. But it seemed like such a good idea at the time. I had my tax money and I didn’t need to use all of it to pay off bills, so I splurged. I got a computer and my husband got a flat screen tv.

For years I didn’t have a computer or a tv, but look at me now, surrounded by technology: fancy computers & 8 color printers, specialized art scanners and an lcd monitor, digital camera and dvd player, Playstation, Sega and Nintentendo 64. . . how did this happen?

When did my life get away from me? My son is fascinated with guns and my husband doesn’t seem to understand that he’s the reason why. He thinks watching Transformers and Star Wars, he thinks playing video games that are toddlerized versions of shoot-em-up cowboys doesn’t have an effect on him: but it does.

I remember thinking that the one thing I really liked about being a single parent was that I didn’t have to get someone else to agree with me on how to raise my kid. I’m missing that now. Sure, there are lots of drawbacks to being a single parent but the advantages are often downplayed in sentimental fury about the nuclear family.

There’s none of this mommy said no I’ll go ask daddy. There’s none of this mommy said no and daddy said yes so now the adults are arguing once again about what’s important in child-rearing and what are we trying to teach them here anyway.

And it’s not as simple as mating with someone who shares the same ideals as you. That’s all abstract. It’s the everyday concreteness of living that really plays a part in shaping your children’s psyches. I thought I had married someone who shared my ideals, but it turns out he’s just a yes-man who agrees with everything but doesn’t believe half of what he says.

For the most part, this is just frustrating, but when it comes to the kids it is a serious problem. I take being a parent very seriously. I feel very honored to have been allowed two such fabulous individuals to raise and I feel like it’s my job, from the moment they are born to help them learn about themselves and about the world they live in.

I believe we are meant to help our children become strong, healthy, independent people. And I believe that it takes the whole eighteen years (and more) to do this. Although my husband agreed with my philosophy, I’ve found he’s a little more stuck on the obedience factor than he would like to admit.

I’m not into having my kids be terrors but I do believe in letting them be human. And like every other human they have good and bad days, foul moods, hyper moments, cross words, screw-ups, attitudes, tempers, and feelings. But he’s very stuck on his parent’s version of children as little adults, who should be expected to act properly at all times, never talk back, and always obey.

I look around sometimes and think, where did this guy come from? I didn’t actually marry this man, did I? And the truth is, I did and I didn’t. The truth is he didn’t know who he was when we got married and now he’s trying to figure that out. Now he’s trying to deal with his past and his present and figure out his future because most of what he’s done up until now has been an echo of someone else.

And I am waiting to see who this is. This person he’s finding, this one he’s developing or discovering or uncovering. And I am wondering if this person will be a person I can love.

Missing It

Something’s missing in my life, what is it? I know there’s money missing and that causes a lot of stress but it’s not about money, money is two-dimensional flat and pathetic. Having money in my life might make it easier but not necessarily more fulfilling.

Is it opportunity? The opportunity to do the things I know I want to do, the things I need to do? Is it energy to keep on trying even though it seems that everything is working against me sometimes. Maybe it is just a new perspective, unclouded by all of this negative thinking.

Maybe it is the belief that I will get a job so we won’t be completely broke anymore, that I will get the opportunities I desire. Maybe it is the belief in myself, in the universe. If I actually believed in myself, like I say I do, why haven’t I sent out the book proposal I wrote anywhere? Why haven’t I tried to get any of the books I have written published?

I need to believe. Believe I am worthy. Believe I am ready. Believe I am unafraid. And the worst thing is, I’m not only afraid of failure, I am equally afraid of success . . . and commitment and trusting or loving or believing in anyone.

I can’t invest in other people anymore, not really. It just ends up hurting too much when I allow myself to depend on others. I need a friend I can call in my darkest hour who will respond. I have been that person to so many, yet I am unable to find that person in my own life.

And maybe I expect too much of people, like I’ve often been told. But how is it expecting too much when I don’t expect more than what I would do for them? But I am getting off the point. Maybe it is this loneliness, this very absence, which allows me to be who I am. And I like who I am.

Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow that talent to the dark place where it leads. Erica Jong

Passion is much more significant than talent. Maybe that’s what is missing: passion. Not with my writing. I am passionate about what I do, artistically at least, but passion in my interior life doesn’t seem to reflect into my external life. I am missing the passion in people, in relationships, in interaction. I am not present for my life as it is happening, right now.

I am always working on something, working toward something. I am not just being, just enjoying life as it is. But how do I get that back without losing the intensity of my writing, my art, my work? How do I balance the two? I must find a balance.

I need to write an article on passion as defined this way. Not the steamy romance passion, but the wholehearted immersion in whatever you’re doing: the juiciness of life.

Upon Julias Breast

Upon Julia’s Breast

His eyes did rest upon Julia’s breast
as she spoke or questioned or sighed,
until she shaved her head one day
to spite his wandering eye;
now when she speaks or quests or sighs
his eyes rest on her barren brow,
on the memory of her hairline
and the fate that awaits him now.

Subjective Genocide

Subjective Genocide

Why is it
you can walk into any open Wal Mart
and buy your children
buckets of Cowboys & Indians
to play with

when you could never – would never
even if you could – buy them
buckets of Jews & Nazis, of Serbs
& Croatians, of Tutsi & Hutu

Marie Starr    (2005)

Sideways Mind

A friend of mine coined this term one night as we sat in her kitchen drinking frighteningly strong margaritas and talking trash till 5 am and I immediately recognized myself in it. She was talking about the sideways stilted mind. You know the one: that mind we just can't understand no matter how hard we try, the one that continually eludes us as we try to comprehend why other people do the things they do, the one that slips away every time we try to grasp it.

Now, I don't know for sure of I recognize myself in the sideways stilted mind, though I am sure many who have tried to figure out why I do the things I do would recognize me, but I do recognize myself in the sideways mind. The one that just doesn't go about things the way others think it should. The one that can figure out the answer to the math problem but can't show the work. The one that reaches it's goals through a hundred thousand mini-steps rather than an orderly progression. The one that gets distracted for hours by the way a subtle slant of light changes the look of the rocks on the living room table.

Never having been a linear thinker, I have found ways to work with my mind instead of against it. I have convinced myself that it is okay to start in the middle, or even at the end, and work my way back or around or through the problem. It is even okay to skip steps I was taught were essential, that sometimes I just don't need them. I have finally convinced myself that there is no right way to do things. While this took up several years of my adult life, I have found since then that I enjoy my sideways mind. In fact, I don't know what I'd do without it.

The very fact that my mind works the way it does is what makes me who I am. I wouldn't see the things I do if I were a straightforward thinker. My mind would be on getting to my destination rather than on stopping to take pictures of this amazing rock along the side of the road: the one with wild grasses growing alongside it, which has been blown down by the wind and now seem to form the grass and rock into nature's rendition of the ying-yang: browngreen grass as one half/grayblack rock the other. I wouldn't become so absorbed in my writing or drawing that time became irrelevant, that sleep became secondary.

I have learned to appreciate my sideways mind. And while it is true that there are many people in my life who just cannot fathom why I do the things I do, it's also true that I don't get them either. I guess without personal dictionaries which we can carry with us detailing all our hang ups and defining all our abstractions, we will have to keep communicating with each other as best we can: the sideways and the stilted mind, the orderly and structured, the erratic and sublime. And that's half the fun of it (and half the horror).